The Daily Adventures of a Fat Girl in Flip Flops

Great savings at a new store/Restaurant Week! - check it out

2012-02-23T13:48:00.000-05:00

Iwent to EarthFare in Fairview Park last night (Old Westgate Mall area). Igot $60 of groceries for $27!!!

BeforeI went I signed up for their weekly email newsletter http://www.earthfare.com/ (which gives youa weekly freebie) and that gave me:

- Acoupon for a FREE whole chicken (value around $10) or a pack of veggie burgers(value $3)

- AFREE 1 lb fresh boneless, skinless chicken breast from the meat dept. ($5.50value)

- Theseare both with a $10 purchase but it can be the same $10 purchase!

Itexted “eat” to 71700 and they texted me a code to show at the register to get$10 off a $25 purchase, (which combines with the above coupons)

Ialso used in-store coupons that are hanging right in front of products for moresavings.

Allin all, a very awesome trip to a new store. Some things are pricey, butmost of their prices are fair and the food is good – a lot of organic andgluten free. Nice bulk section and fresh/prepared foods section as well. If you are vegan/vegetarian they have these AMAZING soy delight vegan nuggetsthat I tried and loved. Amazing flavors of Thai chili, blackened and a fewothers. If you ask they will let you sample one before purchasing to see if youlike them. Since it’s Lent, this is a nice option for a Friday dinner, if youparticipate in that.

Wellworth the drive to check out and get some freebies. J

DOWNTOWNCLEVELAND RESTAURANT WEEK

Kicksoff February 27 and runs through March 4. This is a time to checkout some of those fancier restaurants we all drool over but our wallet panicsat thinking about! Over40 restaurants will be participating. Once again each restaurant will beoffering diners $30 3-course menu for one or two diners and a $15 lunch option(at select restaurants)

New restaurants participating this year include: Pura Vida by Brandt, Taza,Prime Rib Steakhouse, Pacer’s Ribhouse, and Noodlecat. Click here for thecomplete list, including menus: http://www.downtownclevelandalliance.com/events/restaurant-week/participating-restaurants-.aspx

Severaldowntown parking facilities will offer special $2 parking to diners who showtheir special Restaurant Week parking voucher, available on the DCA RestaurantWeek. Parking at select lots will begin at 5 p.m. each day during RestaurantWeek. Click here for details (scroll down a bit): http://www.downtownclevelandalliance.com/events/restaurant-week.aspx

If anyone wants some dinner or lunch company, give me acall!

Looks funky, but so tasty...

2012-02-09T21:50:00.001-05:00

Cherry almond clif bar. Yum! One of my fave snacks/meal replacements on the run.

And a crazy dinner salad concoction - avocado with cherry tomatoes, salsa, cut up string cheese and pepper and garlic powder. Surprisingly tasty as well! (I admit it looks like vomit in a bowl. New name? Vomit salad!)

Eleven Things...

2012-02-09T13:09:00.000-05:00

Poise in Parma recently posted this meme and said we could "consider ourselves tagged" if we wanted to participate. Ok!

11 random things:

1. I love Halloween. It's my fave holiday. It's an even bigger deal to me now that I work at a haunted house as an actor (and this year I get to do make-up, woohoo!)

2. Working at a haunted house does not make me any less scared of going through them. I'm a chicken. Can't watch horror movies either.
3. I could eat sushi, Taco Bell, chinese or Indian food everyday and be totally happy. (Though I may need a chocolate fix now and then)
4. I talk to my 3 cats like they can understand me. They are our furry children and they seem to be ok with my kind of crazy. Thankfully my husband is ok with it, too. I also "make" them sing for their supper and play fetch. (as if you can make a cat do anything it doesn't want to)

5. I'm a gastric bypass patient and I've lost 155 lbs so far. I'm stll a chunky chick and get funny looks when I eat like a bird out in public. I always feel like I have to reassure people that the food was good, I'm just full. I don't think they always believe me.
6. My most girly attribute is I love painting my nails, but sadly I also bite them when I'm stressed. really trying to break that habit again this year so I can use some of the super-sweet ideas I've seen on Pinterest.
7. I'm a Christian, I love God and help with the youth group at our church. I feel like I can relate to the kids because I know I have to keep growing in my faith and I will always have a lot to learn. I still struggle with being comfortable praying out loud or accepting that I won't always have the answer or know what to do. But I'm pretty sure that's why it's called "faith" not "easy".

8. I have a collection of those fun neon-colored clip in hair extensions that i wear randomly. This is just one example of why I doubt I'll ever grown up totally.

9. I probably own more zebra print clothing and accessories than I should. I love it. My wedding dress had zebra print incorporated into it.
10. I have the best darn husband a girl could ever ask for. I love that we can do anything together and have fun. We understand our warpedness/randomness/squirrel moments and appreciate them. The only time this sucks is when we're cooking - because we don't follow recipes and never write down what we did, so if we love something trying to recreate it exactly is never going to happen.

11. I'm training for the Rite Aid Marathon 5K again this year. This time I'm going to run the whole way! (Someone should probably wait for me at the finish line with oxygen and some coffee-flavored gatorade) have to admit that running is a lot les

Additional questions from post:

What is the most adventurous thing you have ever eaten?

Beef heart bruschetta at Lolita (Was super tasty) or sour cream and onion crickets (not so tasty)

What would your last meal be if you had a say in it?

As much sushi as I could scarf and a divine chocolate dessert.

What is your all time guilty pleasure food?

What are you currently listening to?

A crazy mix of Christian artists and top 40 music that would confuse most people.

What is your favorite sport (to play, watch, or both)?

To play - volleyball. To watch - Football.
One thing you are dying to try (this could be anything)

I really want a tattoo! Just need to commit to what I want o I want it to be. Leaning towards getting a permanent wedding band or an old-school gerdening book illustration of catnip right now (if you knew my maiden and married last names, this would make a lot more sense to you)
Fill in the blank: Food makes me _________.

inspired, full and creative!

If you could have dinner with just one person, dead or alive, who would it be?

My grandfather. He passed away when I was in 8th grade and I still miss him everyday.
What is your “go to” restaurant for taking out of towners?

I can't just pick one! Melt, Pacific East, Farenheit, Momma Roberto's in Mentor, Rocky River Brewing Company, Joe's Deli - just depends on mood and side of town we're on.

What is your favorite holiday?

HALLOWEEN.

What quote sums up your life right now?

“Ya ehnnah!" (Only my hubby will understand)
If you want to answer these yourself, consider yourself tagged!

Cracks me up....

2011-09-28T15:11:00.002-04:00

Gotta love BBC

Photos from Lady Gaga concert

2011-05-12T15:20:00.000-04:00

My fiancée helped me make an uber-fabulous dress for the recent Lady Gaga concert at the Q. It was sooooo much fun!

Link to my professional photo on the tour website coming soon!!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Pizza soup for church soup sale

2011-05-11T17:11:00.000-04:00

We cooked up a pot of this for the church soup and bake sale. Like a cross between liquid pizza and chili. The fresh mozzarella melted on top from Gallucci's took it to the next level. So easy to make! We also made orange creamsicle and peanut butter cup cake pops.

Pizza Soup

2 cans kidney beans, drained & rinsed
1 jar pizza sauce
1 - 2 cups diced onions and bell peppers (cooked to tender)
1 can sliced mushrooms
1 can diced Italian tomatoes
1 lb cooked crumbled Italian sausage (we used turkey sausage)
1 bag pepperoni slices diced
2 cups chicken stock
Any italian spices you want, to taste (we used garlic, oregano, basil and lots of black pepper)

Toss it all in a crock pot, stir and cook on low for 4 to 6 hrs stirring occasionally. Serve with breadsticks for dunking and mozzarella melted on top!

Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

And she's back...

2011-03-24T14:40:00.000-04:00

Hoping to jump in the band wagon of blogging again and hopefully going to drag my future hubby along with me as we break in our shiny new blog! I'll be posting here, he'll be posting there. I'll share the link later!

I'm stealing an idea from the fabulous Katy at "Katching up with Katy" and I'll be attempting to post on the following topics:
Day 1-Introduce, recent picture, 15 interesting facts

Day 2-Meaning behind your blog name

Day 3-Your first love

Day 4-Your parents

Day 5-Your siblings

Day 6-A picture of something that makes you happy

Day 7-Favorite movies

Day 8-A place you've traveled to

Day 9-A picture of your friends

Day 10-Something you're afraid of

Day 11-Favorite TV shows

Day 12-What you believe

Day 13-Goals

Day 14-A picture you love

Day 15-Bible verse

Day 16-Dream house

Day 17-Something you're looking forward to

Day 18-Something you regret

Day 19-Something you miss

Day 20-Nicknames

Day 21-Picture of yourself

Day 22-Favorite city

Day 23-Favorite vacation

Day 24-Something you've learned

Day 25-Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs

Day 26-Picture of your family

Day 27-Pets

Day 28-Something that stresses you out

Day 29-3 Wishes

Day 30-a picture

You can win a kitchen aid mixer (and make me super jealous!)

2010-12-15T13:06:00.000-05:00

I entered... you should too, but only if you don't win because it may make me cry. LoL In all seriousness, the recipes sound delish and the blog this girl writes is great! (and if you win, you could always be a super-sweetie and give it to us as a wedding gift and I promise to cook you a disgusting amount of food as thanks...hint hint.)

3 Kids and Us and KitchenAid want to make your holiday wish come true and offer you the chance to win a brand new KitchenAid Artisan Stand Mixer, in your choice of over 20 colors, valued at $349.99!

Enter the KitchenAid Stand Mixer Giveaway and check out the Homemade Holiday Feast recipes that show all the ways the KitchenAid Stand Mixer and attachments can be used to create unique family dishes and save you counter space with one appliance that can be converted to meet your every need.

I'm thinking if I win some cranberry and turkey sausage may be in order or some cranberry pumpkin ice cream using some of those fab attachments. Mmmmmmm....

For those that don't know...

2010-10-18T13:34:00.005-04:00

I'm 31 years old. I've been fat my entire life. In May of this year I took some drastic steps to change that for health reasons. I had Roux-en-Y Gastric Bypass surgery. I have since lost over 100 lbs - and I have a lot more to go. It's amazing and I am feeling better each day - my knees and ankles no longer ache. And slowly, my hips are catching up to the no-pain zone, too.

Right now I'm struggling. I'm at a plateau, I'm better able to handle food in my little stomach pouch and hunger has returned. It's scary. I don't want to mess up what I've done so far.

So many people think the surgery is a magic fix, but it's not. It's just a tool. I still need to watch what I eat and exercise in order for it to work. It hurts me when people say I took the easy way out. It's NOT easy. I still get sick after eating the strangest things. I still have days when nothing sounds good. I still am losing my hair. I still have to take multivitamins and suppliments everyday for the rest of my life so I get enough nutrients.

Also, I'm struggling with how I look now. Yes, I'm smaller, but I look like I'm starting to melt - literally. It's not attractive. And I'm afraid to buy clothes because I'm afraid I will lose more weight and have wasted money or won't lose anymore weight and will have to go back to the fatty pants. I've bought 1 dress, 1 pair of jeans, 1 top shaper, 1 bottom shaper, 1 shirt, 1 skirt and a sweater. Evrything else is from pre-surgery weight and it's super baggy on me. It only adds to my feeling of being a melting snowman or candle.

Those that know me - thank you for the kind words and comments that I'm doing a good job. It seems lame, but they are needed sometimes. It helps to know other people see me as changing in a good way. Just know I'm struggling and have some patience with me. This will pass, I know it will.

Testing iPhone posting...

2010-09-30T10:54:00.001-04:00

Long time, no post. Going that having a nice mobile option for sharing my blog thoughts will change that. Lots of amazing changes going on in my life that I can't wait to share!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Check it out - Lauren's Hope (I know I need one post-WLS)

2010-08-04T15:27:00.005-04:00

I know that I need to get one of these now that I am a post WLS Gastric Bypass patient. Too many things a doctor needs to know about me if I'm passed out an unable to talk. I've been waffrling on whether or not to get one because they all seem kind of ugly/plain, but the medical alert items on this site are kinda cute and trendy. The kids stuff looks like it would be better for youngins and less traumatic than standard fare as well.

"If you own a WEBSITE or publish a BLOG, we welcome you to link to www.laurenshope.com. If you mention Lauren's Hope on your blog or website and post a permanent link to us, email the URL to: [email protected]. Once the link has been verified you will receive a 1 time $50 gift certificate."

I'm on a top secret mission...

2009-12-07T13:19:00.002-05:00

Tonight, I shall attempt to take video proof that the light craziness in my neighborhood is spreading like a very slow-moving, blinking swine flu.

The mismatched, unplanned, siezure-inducing nightmare that one neightbor shared last year has spread into his neighbor's yard. Multiple strands of lights with blinking effects, twitching in a festive display of sheer chaos and terror. It's like someone went crazy with a bedazzler on their yards.

Guess I should just be glad they don't diplay an entire gaggle of those blow-up creatures.

Things I remember….

2009-12-03T16:59:00.005-05:00

I remember the fear. The dread. The pain. The anger.

I remember feeling crazy. The kind of crazy that you think can only be solved with booze, drugs and therapy. The kind of crazy you think only lives on trashy TV shows and in best-selling books. The kind of crazy that can’t be explained with mere words.

I remember reading e-mails. The words blurring on the page as they choked me (my heart), and beat me (my soul), and screamed at me (my ears).

Kneeling on the floor of my bathroom, puking, heaving, sobbing. Thinking I should mop more often, start a bonfire with his clothes, buy a new toilet brush, act out a Carrie Underwood song, regrout.

The first time it came out of nowhere. The second, I was in constant fear. The third….the fourth….the ones I never knew about? They tore me apart, smoothly and with skill, brick by brick, till there was nothing left but regret.

Mysterious phone calls in call logs. And the voices on the other line when I confronted. So cautious and cocky at the same time. Like they’d won some prize in a discount lottery. “That’s between you and him. Not me.”

I rebuilt this person, who I am today, one brick at a time. The mortar is damp. The foundation still leveling.

I want it to be something beautiful. Something I can be proud of. Real estate not just anyone can afford. And I promised myself no more bulldozers and demolitions. I deserve at least that much.

------------

I wrote this a long time ago. I remembered it today and just felt it needed shared.

Hate on me, hater. Now or later, 'Cuz I'm gonna do me, you'll be mad baby.

2009-11-30T17:58:00.004-05:00

A few thoughts for the week that will make no sense to anyone but me, mostly.

1. I think the quantities of Diet Coke I've been ingesting (in the lime twist and cherry varities) in the last few years have finally started to eat a hole in my stomach. There's a reason you can use it to clean the terminals on a car battery. UGH. Must chug antacid. Or, it could be turkey and stuffing overload. Ask again next week. I may need to switch to a high H2O intake for a while.

2. You shouldn't open Pandora's box unless you're 100% certain you can accept what's inside. Once it's open, it's impossible to close. Even the people who didn't have a choice in opening the box can't close it.

3. Wikipedia defines an ethical dilemma as: "a complex situation that will often involve an apparent mental conflict between moral imperatives, in which to obey one would result in transgressing another. This is also called an ethical paradox since in moral philosophy, paradox plays a central role in ethics debates." Some days I envy the dumb, pointless lumps of what could be considered humanity that stumble around without a conscious. But only a teeny tiny bit. Then I wake up and smell the reality.

4. Sometimes you love your relatives very, very much but you still wanna smack them upside the head in hopes that it gives them a a ride on the clue train. You can't help someone who doesn't help themselves. I struggle with trying to remember this - I care, but it's no my problem and I can't fix it. (and shouldn't - it's not really my job)

5. Can someone define normal for me? I think I've forgotten what it should look like.

6. I am still in the process of trying to make myself a better person inside and out. I doubt this process ever ends, but some quality milestones would be nice every now and then. One day at a time. One day at a time.

Hope everyone had a good Turkey Day. I played chef for my family and a few friends, and whipped up a turkey (which took 2 boxes of stock and 2 bottles of beer to make - lush turkey with a drinking problem, I tell ya!), ham, mashed taters, sweet tater casserole, green bean casserole (my own recipe) Michael Symon's fried brussel sprouts, homemade gravy, from-scratch cranberry sauce and lazy people's store bought rolls.

My grandmother, the queen of all pastry, made the pumpkin pies. And I visited my fave baker to pick up a dutch cherry pie. (Great Scott's stickers don't lie - it's bakery you'll dream of!)

It went really well and my house hasn't been this clean in ages.

I want an instruction manual!

2009-11-23T18:30:00.002-05:00

And a rules book!

When it comes to men, I don't think I'm totally clueless, but they always find new and surprising ways to confuse/frustrate me.

Why doesn't this get easier as we get older?

This counts for guys you date, are friends with or are related to.

Interesting week....

2009-11-19T17:48:00.002-05:00

Quick recap of FFG's life - still in the same job, living in same house and driving same HHR, dated a boy for a year, broke up with the boy (he 100% did me a favor) hit a deer (story for another time - poor Blu!), still bowling, being goofy with friends, trying to lose weight, get healthy and broaden my horizons as a human being. Oh, and I miss blogging and having near-strangers comment on my life. So, here I am. :-)

Now, onto this week -

Last weekend went on a road trip with friends to Columbus. Met a very interesting boy, got to see friend's get re-engaged officially with a very adorable proposal (I videotaped it), had some retail therapy and played in a whirlpool.

Oh, also had dinner at my cheesy fave chain restaurant, O'Charleys. Let's just say Cotton Candy Cosmos are way yummier than originally thought, and wickedly potent.

In general, it was just nice to escape from Cleveland for a bit. I need to go on another road trip soon - or plan a trip to someplace warm in Jan./Feb. (Maybe Vegas, Florida or Cali....?) I miss checking out new places and trying new things.

At work this week, pulled off a very cool project. I helped create a special dancing flash mob for a licensing announcement. I choreographed a short dance, taught it to about 75 employees from across the company and kept it all secret till it was performed at work. It was a lot of fun to shake things up a bit and get our employees excited/cheerful with something out of the ordinary. Now I just have to brainstorm the next big thing...

Looking forward to a four-day weekend next week, filled with turkey, family and possibly some holiday shopping. I have a pretty short list of people to buy for this year, which is nice. Means I can focus a little more and not feel rushed. Hopefully I can find the perfect items.

Still a TON of projects to work on for the house. Hoping I get my act together in the winter months since I won't be as motivated to run around.

To-do list includes:

- finish stripping wallpaper and paint spare bathroom
- paint/recaulk main bathroom
- convert computer room into fitness/dressing room
- finish organizing craft room (It's a scary disaster - so glad it has a door!)
- get carpets cleaned

Also considering one of those 101 in 1001 days lists. If I can come up with enough stuff, I may post that as a New Year's resolution of sorts.

Also have high hopes I will get a call from a local publication about something a bunch of friends and family nominated me for. (Hello, Cleveland Magazine. I'm cute, funny and gosh darn it people like me! And mt birthday's in Feb. How sweet a b-day gift would that be? )

Dating is fun but it sucks, too.

2009-10-09T15:42:00.005-04:00

I decided to pull this post. Why? Because it sounded bitter, and I'm really not bitter. I was just frustrated. Just like you shouldn't text or call when you're drunk, you shouldn't post or e-mail when cranky.

Thanks...

Illustration Friday - "Hollow"

2009-07-14T19:04:00.002-04:00

This is my contribution to this week's Illustration Friday - "Hollow"

'Cause sometimes mine feels just a little....hollow.

In a cooking mood...

2009-07-14T18:45:00.002-04:00

This was awesomely yummy! 1 pita & garlic hummus from Judy's Oasis at Westside Market + 1 slice Garlic Cheese from Fave Westside Market Cheesemonger (Always forget thir name - but they are down by the streudel and fudge vendors) + diced green peppers, peas, red onion, mushrooms & black beans from the salad bar at work, nuked till the cheese melted. It just sounded good today for no reason. Might have to do this again. (Although, it does have side effects - A vampire wouldn't get within a mile of me today. Stinky, stinky...even with brushing teeth and minty gum)

Going to make Ohio City Pasta Papradelle with diced cherry smoked sausage, a splash of EVOO and a variety of diced veggies (red pepper, mushrooms, onion, sugar snap peas, tomato, zucchini) for dinner tonight. Maybe a drizzle of balsamic to finish it, hmmm....

I love going to the Westside Market on the weekends - totally inspires me to cook all week!

Dance your ass off! (OMG!)

2009-06-24T10:46:00.000-04:00

Current mood: adventurous

I am gonna be a total loser and watch this!

The bald guy, Miles is adorable! And hot damn on that "boom, crack crack boom" move Pinky does. I think my butt would fall on the floor trying to do that.

http://www.oxygen.com/dance/?affiliate=MySpace_DYAO

I could be one of these crazy people, with my danceline background and 8+ years dance training. Oh, they days when I could go from standing to a kick split or from a floor move to standing without thinking about it.

Oi....

I am *almost* tempted to submit a video for their little contest. A free trip would be fun, but I'm not sure it's worth internet ridicule for being a fat lady flopping around to a beat. (Hello? Next Star Wars kid, I don't think so.) Maybe I could just put their music over the top of old footage....? hmmmmm.....

***shake your money makers!***

I haven't blogged too much lately, so I'm hoping some of you are still out there. Question to test - do you like to dance? (in the shower or living room when vaccuming counts) What music gets your toes tapping?

Somewhat Weekly Observations

2009-06-24T10:42:00.002-04:00

Current mood: talkative

Here's a roundup of things that have caught my eye recently...

Interesting article on CNN.com: Is cheating ever deserved? http://bit.ly/10d03N

This article makes me think and bothers me at the same time. I 100% don't think anyone ever deserves to be cheated on. How difficult is it to man up or put on your big girl panties and tell soemone that you're not interested and you want to go off and fiddle around with someone else: emotionally or physically. Please don't give me this "it just happened" BS. We're mostly adults. If crap "just happened" all the time we'd all be dead from not resisting the urge to stick our fingers in a light socket as a kid or eating something poisonous. An excuse is an excuse.

This goes for dating relationships, as well as marriage. Marriage just has an extra layer of "why."

Marriage is a vow between two people in the eyes of God. (and there aren't a lof of things in religion that God requires a vow on) You say you will take a person as your other half for the rest of your life: better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness or health. It doesn't have a get out quick clause, even thought some may treat it that way. If you're asking someone to marry you or you're saying yes too someone that asks, you should think long and hard, because life may not always be the easy/joyful/lady of plenty and health you are currently experiencing. Life happens, even when you're in love.

I think that people have to learn to respect and love eachother and work on things as a team. Why get married if you're still going to maintain the "I'm an individual and what I do affects no one but me." I guess I always thought the points was building something together. I think the way Kate treated Jon on that show was not always respectful or caring. I don't think that is a reason to cheat, but it was a reason to seek help and work on things. Sad to see instead all the craziness has driven them apart.

(Full disclosure - I was cheated on and that may taint my opinion a bit.)

Fat chick clothes - on the market, off the market? http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/18/fashion/18plus.html

A few weeks ago I saw an article in the NY times talking about a bunch of retailers dropping their plus size sections in stores and only carrying them online. I was bummed. Now, there's an article saying some stores are getting Plus sections and expanding them. Yay for more fashion choices!

Side note to designers: I'm a BIG girl. I know you've always had this vision of fat ladies in stirrup pants and cheesy mumu's with giant floral patterns on them. Please stop. That crap is nasty. If I wanted to look like a giant walking floral hedge, I'd plant my ass in a garden. Try for some trendy solid colors, and drop this fascination you have with shrubbery shit.

Toledo mayor breaks up fight, calls teen 'fatso' http://www.ohio.com/news/break_news/48526277.html

I commend the guy for breaking up the fight. He didn't have to do anything but sit around and twiddle his thumbs, but was it necessary to call the kid fatso? That comment and others like it, is probably why he's so bitter and ready to scrap in the first place.

Slightly Chubby People Live Longer than Skinny People - http://www.clevelandleader.com/node/10367

Suck it skinny chicks! Oh, sorry. (no offense nice/normal/non-lookie uppie downie skinny people - ask if you don't know what that means LoL) Got a bit carried away. Now if only I could get down to the "slightly chubby" end of the spectrum, instead of the "where's my harpoon" one... sigh...

Office people going crazy - http://tr.im/ppbq

These videos are funny to watch but would be scary as hell to live. I do have to wonder why the people stood around and just watched the crazy man at work with a hatchet though. My ass would've ran for the door! Same for the one lady who keeps working while the guy is slamming around his computer. That was the perfect time for a potty break.

Illustration Friday “Craving”

2009-06-05T14:54:00.001-04:00

This is my contribution to this week's Illustration Friday - "Craving"

unmentionables...

2009-04-27T18:33:00.000-04:00

I think I finally know why it takes men less time to get ready than women. It's not the make up and the hair, it's not even the clothes and accessories people can see. It's the underwear. Men only have socks, the occasional undershirt and man panties to worry about. (Note: be prepared for an overshare LoL)

Let's evaluate men's underclothing options.

Socks are easy: 99.9% of them are white. Most guys own a few black pairs for work and dress up (not for mowing the lawn, please!) and that's it. Both options come in different heights, but we don't care which you wear as long as you're not wearing shorts.

Undershirts: Plain white shirts worn under dress or work shirts. I can only guess this is to hide the manly chest hair and keep the pit stains from leeching into the actual shirt. Other than that, someone may need to fill me in.

Undies: If they even wear them, this is the only category where it gets tricky. Most men have 3 style options: boxers, briefs and boxer/briefs. The color choice is predominantly white. (we gals consider ourselves lucky if our man has braved the murky depths of colored underthings. In a perfect world they'd wear black underwear all the time. I'm guessing this would save us a lot of head shaking when doing the laundry. "How did you? What the...?") And boxers can run the gamut - from freebies with beer and soda logos, to cartoons and sports team logos.

Now, with women it's a whole new ballgame. We've got undies, bras, socks/hosiery and sometimes other additional gadgetry to make us look fabulous.

Socks: We like them in colors, and different fabrics, and pantyhose, and knee-highs and with garter belts and fishnets and lines up the back and patterns and textures and some suck us in while others make us look tan.... oi, you get the picture.

Bras: I'm lazy and Wikipedia sums it up for me just fine. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brassiere_designs The wire vs underwire will be a debate till we die. So will front vs back hookers.

Undies: Men are smart. They go for what's comfy. We, on the other hand, have comfy (briefs, bikinis, hi-cuts, boylegs) and devices of torture (thongs, g-strings, crotchless - seriously, what wear anything?) They can tie on the sides, or lace up the back, they come in a plethora of colors and sometimes they have matching bras. (and you look funny in a plaid bra and polka dot panties...)

Misc.: This is crazy territory. Spanx, ASSets, corsets and bustiers (which may be in two categories at the same time. An undies/bra combo) Smoothing tanks and padded butt enhancers. Cutlets and tape. And I'm sure there's other stuff I've never even heard or seen.

And alotta this crap is hand-washable only. Why???

And women - you know exactly what I'm talking about when I say this. You can deny it all you want but we all do it in some fashion. We have "levels" of underwear. From wear and toss because they're on their last legs (kinda like some guy's everyday undies) to "Date night" ensembles for special occasions. When was the last time you heard a man who thought he was gonna get lucky say "Oh, well I better put the special "date night" underwear on. Pshaw!

The choices can make your head spin. It would be way easier if we had all white socks, all tan panty house, all white bras and undies or all black, and were done with it! But, I guess it wouldn't be half as much fun.

Why this rant now?

1. I bought a new bra. Something called a "plunge" bra. You might assume the name is because it has a deep neckline.... but you would be wrong. It's because it pulls your boobs into something that's mythical, like a unicorn. You've heard of it but never seen it except in the Victoria's Secret catalog. They're fluffed and puffed to the point it looks like someone could dive in and swim around for ages in a pool of cleveage. You know it's a bra made by the devil when your mom sees you wearing it and exclaims "Good lord, have they always been that big?" Ladies, I've found bra nirvana and it's illegal in several states. I strongly reccomend you run out and try one of these on ASAP. Gravity be damned!

2. I had an incident with a new sundress this Saturday while taking the plunge bra for a test spin around the local grocery store. I apparently underestimated the wind and the aerodynamics of my dress. As I stepped out of Blu, the whole darn thing flipped up like I was Marilyn Monroe straddling a street grate. Before I could get the disaster under control a woman stepping out of a massive pick up truck started cracking up (I think she was laughing hard enough she may have peed a little) All I could say to her was "glad I could share my underwear with you today!" (At least they were well-covering and cute "date night" style undies) I'm hoping anyone else within viewing distance was distracted enough by the bountiful bosom they missed the rest of the show.

Moral - there is a reason why your mother always said wear nice underwear, and it wasn't just because you might get in an accident and have your jeans cut off. Oneday, you might just step outta your car and become an unwitting member of the Britney Spears-esque ranks. Oh, wait. She didn't wear any underwear.

Welcome to my world....

I couldn't resist...

2009-04-07T17:05:00.001-04:00

Current mood: mischievous

So....Last week in the news you may have seen that Vince "Shamwow" Shlomi (Famous for being the guy on this commercial: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ns4mnmNBk1Y) was arrested for smacking a prostitute http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2009/0327092sham1.html

What you may not know is he's also been seen recently touting another product in a highly entertaining commercial that could explain the whole debacle. (pay close attention to 0:37 to understand my comment below) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPKtBM99kAc

Apparently she didn't so he took his own advice about getting rid of troubles....

Weekly observations ('In the News' doesn't cut it)

2009-03-26T17:16:00.002-04:00

Oh my lord! There's too much good stuff to share this week. I need to make more regular posts apparently. Trust me, most of these are at least worth a quick clickie-poo. Check

Mind Of Man: Now Playing—Crappy Love Songs

You must read this post for 3 reasons:

1. I can relate to the topic. Certain songs will always make me think of certain moments or people. It's like a switch that gets turned on in my head. Let's call it the soundtrack of my life.

2. This line is hilarious: "I’m amazed my testicles haven’t withered like yesterday’s birthday balloons."

3. Any man who wants to make out to "Glory Box" by Portishead is alright by me. That's a seriously sexy & seductive song. (See the playlist at the bottom of the post if you've never heard it. Cold shower may be required. You've been warned.)

http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-mind-of-man-now-playing-crappy-love-songs/?obref=outbrain

Men's sock subscription service launches in US

Are you kidding me? Guys - for that much money, I will seriously go to Wal-Mart once a month and personally buy you a pack of socks. Hell, for $100 more I'll even pick you up a pack of man panties (boxers, briefs or boxer-briefs. No banana hammocks, please. I don't wanna know). I could be a sock-wife for hire! Pimping myself out to the masses for the moola.

http://www.dmnews.com/Sock-subscription-service-launches-in-US/article/129291/

Doctors Say Having Sex Is Like Getting $50,000 Raise

Let's be honest. As soon as you're born, you need money. The whole sex thing is a want, not a need. And it doesn't come into play till you're older and hopefully mature and responsible. A human could live the rest of their lives without nookie, but money is kind of a requirement. That said, am I wrong to say I'd rather have the money? Not that the other isn't nice and doesn't have it's own merits.... but $50,000 a year worth of merits?

http://www.newsnet5.com/health/18940230/detail.html?treets=nn5&tml=nn5_12pm&ts=T&tmi=nn5_12pm_1_11000203162009

When Economy Sours, Tootsie Rolls Soothe Souls

I wonder how much Tootsie paid for that free ad? Wouldn't a more unbiased headline have been "Candies Soothe Soul"? It's true though. Many women have always turned to chocolate and sweets in times of stress. Nice that the rest of the world is finally catching up!

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/24/nyregion/24candy.html?_r=1&ref=business

Experts say play time can relieve stress in bad times

Think my neighbors would start talking if I go to the park down the street and played on the swingset? It does sound fun. I'm all for the board games and fun! I miss game nights... sigh

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2009-03-23-play-stress_N.htm?csp=DailyBriefing

Built-in Whale Tail

What the heck will they think of next? Are you kidding? They should change the jeans brand name to "Skankies."

http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-ho-no-they-didnt-thong-jeans/

And since I've assault your reading and listening skills, here's a few images from the news I found fun and beautiful....

Love it! It's an ad duel!

Blackberry shoots Apple:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0a-rX5XCgk

Apple's response:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-Q6NBp8bCA

When I studied religions in college I always found Buddhism and Hinduism fascinating. Their religious have unique concepts and things like the Holi festival of color are so beautiful (and the people look so happy!): http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2009/03/holi_the_festival_of_colors.html

I think seeing this float by in downtown Cleveland would make me smile, and freak out just a tiny bit: http://www.daylife.com/photo/05p24LwfpW0TH